kathreftis

Ποσο μου λειπεις...

2011-11-28T11:57:00.002-05:00

Εχεις γενέθλια σήμερα... σίγουρα θα προσπαθείς ν'αποφυγεις κάθε γιορτή όπως έκανες πάντα. Δε σ'αρέσει να έχεις το φως της δημοσιότητας επάνω σου...
Μου λείπεις απεριοριστα. Και τώρα που ετοιμάζομαι να φέρω στον κόσμο ακόμα μια ψυχή, η βοήθεια σου θα ήταν απερίγραπτη. Κυρίως όμως, θα έδινα τα πάντα για μια ακόμα αγκαλιά απο σένα....μια αγκαλιά μόνο και ένα από εκείνα τα βλέμματα τα μισο-χαμογελαστό μισο-σοβαρό βλέμμα που έλεγε πολλα....
Και ακομα δεν μπορώ να πιστέψω πως δε θα σε ξαναδώ.....

2010-02-21T21:58:00.002-05:00

I no longer update this blog as often I should. But, here's where you can find more
here

Τα πρωτα μας Χριστουγεννα!

2009-12-29T20:43:00.004-05:00

Μου φαίνεται απίστευτο...τα πρώτα Χριστούγεννα με την Μαρία έχουν κιόλας ήδη περάσει...Δεν μπορώ να πιστέψω ότι έχω μια κόρη, ότι είμαι μαμα....Όλη μου τη ζωή ένα πράγμα είχα σίγουρο: ότι θα γινόμουνα μαμα. Απο τότε που ήμουνα μικρή και φρόντιζα τη Νινιτα μου, την κούκλα που μου είχαν αγοράσει η μαμα και ο μπαμπας, από τότε ήξερα ότι θα γινόμουνα μαμα. Τώρα το όνειρο έγινε πραγματικότητα. Η Μαρία μου είναι το πιο όμορφο δώρο που θα μπορούσε να μου κάνει ο Bryan. Και είναι πραγματικά δώρο! Έχει απίστευτη προσωπικοτητα.
Είναι χαρούμενη, παίζει μόνη της, χαμογελά σε όλους όσους θέλει!

Στεναχωριέμαι μόνο που η μαμα μου δεν είναι εδώ να τη γνωρίσει. Θα τα πήγαιναν τόσο καλά οι δυο τους! Μου λειπεις αφανταστα Μαρουλα μου, αφανταστα, αν και οι μέρες περνούν χωρις να το καταλαβω....

Bryan, you should know that I appreciate all the effort you put in. I am ecstatic that we have a little girl together. You are the best partner and even though we have our ups and downs, you should know that. You are a terrific father. I am happy this is the first of many Christmases with our expanded family. I love you.

I need you to be here!

2009-12-15T10:27:00.001-05:00

It's a girl!

2009-02-27T13:37:00.000-05:00

I knew I am carrying a girl. I had this feeling deep inside me that a little girl was meant to be my first born. When I dreamed of my mother on Sunday night, I woke up Monday morning 100% sure that I am carrying a little girl. It feels like my mom will come back to life through this little girl!
And, if my daughter turns out to be half the woman my mom was, I will be incredibly proud!
I am glad that my husband wants to name her Maria-Carol. I am glad that he never once asked why name her after our mothers! He wouldn't be the man I love if he did, and I am incredibly lucky to have him as my partner!
I can't wait to feel her move inside me. I can't wait to hold her when she is born.
I am thankful that everything is well, that she is healthy and that we are having her.
Mama, thank you for looking after us. Thank you for making your presence known!

returns..

2009-01-06T15:27:00.002-05:00

I have returned...returned from a place I call home to a place I call home.
I have returned with a burning desire to return.
This is the first time I feel this burning desire. Unexplainable? maybe....
Things have changed. As life progresses, a need to return to what is familiar, to what is cozy begins to erupt. How can I make you understand I don't know. I can't even explain it to myself very well.
And, I... I who have never been a huge fun of change, I find myself longing for it while being terrified!
I am sure I have confused you. This is a happy time in my life...I don't have complaints. I am about to become a mother. Yet, this burning desire to return remains.
Talk to me if you understand. Tell me what you think.

??????????????

2008-10-13T11:51:00.003-04:00

These days have been a bit blue. All of a sudden, the 16 hours of the day I spend awake are not enough to do all the things I need to get d0ne. I go to work for about 9-10 hours per day. I then go home and I all I want to do is stare at the television....Where has my energy gone? My house has never been in the shape that it is now. My cooking has never been so dull. It seems that I don't have the courage or the time to do the things I like. I have productive and unproductive days at work...and somehow, I still have a job!
Lately I have been thinking that I lost a part of myself...Thinking back to my college years, I seem to remember two things: how much I liked politics, and how much I liked to write. And then, there was the going out and drinking coffee, none of which I do much these days.
What else was there? I still like to help people. I still smile (somewhat). I still believe in some things like God.
I still love. I now have a husband. A husband who does not speak my native tongue, who does not have very close family ties, who does not like to go out much, and who does not like the music I do. He loves politics. He is as smart as a person can be! He is as oblivious as a deer in headlights! He loves me a lot. Sometimes I wonder if he knows me? How can you know someone when you don't speak her language? How can you know someone when you don't ask many questions? I seem to have lost my greekness which goes hand-'n-hand with being a positive, joyful person. I seem to have lost an undefined part of me. You see, a few years ago I would be looking for love. I would be writing for love. I have love, but there seems to be another hole!
I love my husband! I do. A lot. My life would be incredibly boring and dark without him. I would probably be back to Cyprus if I hadn't met him. That is probably the only positive thing that would have come out of me not meeting, loving, and marrying him. The only one!
But, I do have to find a way to gain some of me back...the question is how do I define myself?
Who am I and what do I stand for? Those are questions I haven't answered in a while....
I love the fall, but it makes me blue....

new beginnings

2008-09-22T11:10:00.000-04:00

I have completed 30 years of living last Friday.
All of a sudden I feel a bit more mature, a bit more composed.
Maybe now I am ready to take on a bit more...who knows...time will tell...

so many changes in so little time

2008-09-18T16:12:00.003-04:00

Last night I found out that I became an aunt again...my best friend, my sister, had her son yesterday. This was the first time in our 17 years of friendship that I was not there during this great new beginning....it made me sad...

Tomorrow I am turning 30...I don't know how to feel about that.
I thought I would have children by now.
I don't.
I thought I would be done with school by now, I am not!
I thought my mom would still be alive.
She is not.

It's now a sad day...it's just one of those gray days...

I don't want things to change. I just want to be able to catch up!

family ties

2008-08-26T10:56:00.001-04:00

what a different summer this has been....
it has been full of work, deck building, a trip to Peru, missing my family....
and baby talk.
My husband is much better at enjoying the moment, living in today and not expect tomorrow...
I am not...
I want strong family ties, the kind I have back home.
I want that before we have children.
I want to be able to call my sister-in-law and just chat. I can't do that with either of them.
I want to be able to go next to another family member's home. I can't do that either!
I would love it if my in-laws were really close to us. My husband, not so much.
I have to say that since I started work I can see the difficulty of raising a family without any help.
I can't blame those who choose to stay close to family to get some help. I wish I could do that too.
But, the reality is that there is no one here and that is incredibly scary!
I am particularly scared of the pressure that is going to put on my relationship with my husband. My in-laws love each other, but their relationship went through some rough times because they had to manage all by themselves. I don't want that for my relationship with my husband!
These thoughts have been in the back of my mind and I seem to have increased difficulty articulating them to my husband.
I hope you read this... I hope you understand and try to do something about this.....

when all you can think about is...

2008-07-09T14:17:00.003-04:00

children, are you young at heart? or are you ready to become a parent?
all the sadness an illness brings...are you obsessed with bad things? or is it just the way life is?
the things you want to do, but can't, are unhappy or really anxious to live?
the choices you 've made and you get a warm feeling at heart and immediately after you miss your family, are you confused or merely human?
how much you love the chances you got in life and how you can make it better...are you grateful or selfish?
how much you don't want to work on your dissertation but you are too embarrassed to admit it, are you lazy, pretentious, or realistic?'
is all of these questions, are you too analytical?

σκεψεις ασυναρμολόγητες

2008-06-27T21:11:00.004-04:00

I am cranky and annoyed.
I don't want to be here, but I don't know where I would like to be.
When I feel this way, I just want to run.
Too many memories, too many comparisons....
and you, who ever you are, you are not here
you have deserted me...
Σε ψαχνω, μα πού να σε βρω;
Μου λείπεις και δε ξέρω ποιος είσαι...

things have a way of falling into place

2008-05-15T16:57:00.002-04:00

thank you...I have to say that....things do have a way of falling into place with the help of some divine or from up above power.
I know you look over us and I know that you help make things better for us. thank you.
my faith has never let me down which is why I choose it.
I am incredibly grateful, thank you.

οι παλιές αγάπες πάνε στον παράδεισσο/ our old passions go to heaven

2008-04-21T16:43:00.006-04:00

Το πάθος μου είναι η ελληνική μουσική....
Στα νεανικά μου χρόνια άκουγα πολύ ελληνικό ροκ. Ο Παύλος Σιδηρόπουλος είναι ένας από τους πιο άξιους καλλιτέχνες του έντεχνου ελληνικού ροκ. Να ένα από τα αγαπημένα και πιο διάσημα τραγούδια του:

σου γράφω πάλι από ανάγκη η ώρα πέντε το πρωί.
το μόνο πράμα που 'χει μείνει όρθιο στον κόσμο είσαι συ
τι να τις κάνς τις τιμές τους, τα λόγια τα θεατρικά, μες την εικόνα του μυαλου μου
χάρτινα είδωλα νεκρά!
να μ'αγαπας, όσο μπορείς να μ'αγαπας
κοιτάζοντας μες τον καθρέφτη βλέπω ένα πρόσωπο γνωστό
κι ίσως η ασκήμια του να φύγει μόλις πλυθώ και ξυριστώ
βρώμαει η ανάσα απ'τα τσιγάρα, βαραίνει ο νους μου απ'τα πολλα
στον τοίχο κάποια Μόνα Λίζα σε φέρνει ακόμα πιο κοντά
αν και τελειώνει αυτό το γράμμα, η ανάγκη μου δε σταματά
σαν το πουλί πάνω στο κύμα, σαν τον αλήτη που γυρνά
θέλω να 'ρθείς και να μ'ανάψεις, το παραμύθι να μου πεις
σαν μανα γη να μ'αγκαλιάσεις, σαν άσπρο φως να ξαναρθείς....

My passion in my early twenties was greek rock music. Pavlos Sidiropoulos is one of the most significant artists of this genre of greek music.
The song above is called love me...
When I find the strength I will translate....all you need to know is that I smoked many packs of cigarettes and got drank many times listening to this song....

after everything is done, will you

2008-03-29T20:11:00.002-04:00

flirt with me
flatter me
look at me
smile at me
hold my hand
kiss me
talk to me
hug me
fight for me
love me
be with me?

once upon a lonely time

2008-03-28T21:19:00.003-04:00

In the last two years I have been afraid...afraid to let go, afraid to be alone...afraid of the silence, but also of unknown sounds. Ever since you left us, I have been afraid!
Once upon a long time ago, I was told that bad things will happen to me if I let them...and now there are only good things in my life...yet, I can only feel your absence. especially this month....I hate the month of March!
Two years later it still feels like it was yesterday and all I can remember in these times of loneliness is your words "only family matters, they are the only ones who will always love you and be there for you..." where are you now? where are you? why are you not here with me? why? and why, as time goes by, I feel your absence even more?
I have a husband who loves me (a lot). I have a father who is as healthy as he can be at age 68 and who does everything he can to support me in every imaginable way. I have a brother who has become my best friend and another brother who loves me in his own way. I have friends who will be there in case of emergency...I have a dog who no matter what time I come home he is always ecstatic to see me. I have two degrees and I am going for a third, even though I am searching for the motivation to finish. I see myself in the mirror and I see someone who is worth fighting for and respect....and I see a woman who is trying to be strong and happy.
yet, these days there is a sadness...a feeling of loneliness ...
mom, help me get through this month.
please....I embrace me sadness and recognize that it will go away....once my husband comes home, once I have his companionship again. I recognize that this my needyness will go away...I am not good at reaching out for help, but now I am...I am reaching out to people for some interaction, even though I came out with nothing....
Ok, my rant is done!

thoughts about race

2008-03-24T12:22:00.002-04:00

Coming from a small, until recently very homogeneous country I have become a lot more sensitive to issues of race. I don't treat racial issues as jokes as I did ignorantly before I came to the States.

But, since I re-flamed my passion in politics, I found the opportunity to think about race in America. This morning the Round Table on WAMC asked the question "what can we do to improve racial relationships today?" My very simple answer to this question is "talk about it." Talk about race without fear. Acknowledge the racism of our economic system, which ironically is not dependent on color, but class and income. Our economic system perpetuates a cycle of injustice: the school funding which is dependent on property taxes. An underfunded school district is more likely to be of lower quality and not enable students to get into good colleges and get better, higher paid jobs. This, in turn, will lead to people who live in inner cities to be constrained to lower paying jobs because they did not get a good education! If this is not racism that is systemic, embedded in our institutions, well, I don't know what it is!

I am a white, middle-class woman, who has experienced sexism in my interpersonal relationships. Yet, I believe that my children will never experience the constraints that the children of black woman will. That infuriates me, and honestly, it should infuriate you!

So, if political strength does not come from words, where does it come from?

2008-02-26T11:17:00.002-05:00

I very rarely venture into exploration of arguments in this venue. This is supposed to be my personal venting and exploration of soul venue. But, lately I have become increasingly passionate about a man who has inspired hundreds of thousands of people to dream about change, to desire a different kind of politics, to want to keep the faith and hope and fight to put him in the White House as the first ever African-American President.

I have just finished reading an editorial from the New York times by Alec MacGillis in which one can read about Barack Obama's oratory abilities. The story includes several criticisms from the Clinton and McCain campaigns which basically claim that there is no substance to Obama's words. A former Reagan and Bush senior speech writer claims that his speeches are not really as eloquent as people think they are (surprising?), but they are heard as such because of Obama's delivery style. The story also notes that his speeches include lines from famous and able speakers such as MLK and JFK, which in turn takes the originality away from them (the speeches) and gives ammunition to critics. The story ends with an assertion from Baylor University about Obama's eloquence: "Can that eloquence be maintained? No, it can't -- it's impossible."

Yet, there seems to be an embedded cynicism of the kind that the Obama movement is currently defying. All of these questions about the power of language are an attempt to keep people from desiring, from realizing that action starts with talk. The "talk Vs. action" duality seems arbitrary particularly when it comes from a campaign which has been primarily talk. Hilary and Bill Clinton are terrific campaigners but they seem to have met their equal. If Bill Clinton in 1992 did not as well on the stump, as well as in other things, would he have been elected president? Would he have given Hilary the opportunity to run for the highest office 16 years later? If political strength does not come from words where does it come from? How are people supposed to start thinking about choice between candidates if not by listening to them talk? Why is it such a "terrible" thing to concentrate on the inspirational and full of hope words of a person who rose up through adversities? Why is it so "bad for democracy or for the country" to realize that people like you and me cannot necessarily understand the details of policies, that we come to feel the effects of them over time (like the loss of jobs as a result of outsourcing), and that we can make decisions every four years?

I can understand the dangers of not knowing where a candidate stands. About half of this country is feeling the dangers and the frustrations of the last eight years. However, my experience and expertise (somewhat) say that the only way you can have policies or even politics is through words. If people are inspired by Obama they should be proud to shout it to the world because a little inspiration never hurt anyone. Quite the contrary! It brought about equal rights for everyone. Inspiration brought about the fall of a wall that divided the world in half. Inspiration brought about the creation of this country. So, if political strength does not come from words, where does it come from?

because I think, love, breath, and get mad

2008-02-13T15:17:00.002-05:00

These days I seem to pump energy from a newly found source. I don't know what that source is or where it comes from, but I seem to be getting fuel from it. Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing. It's certainly something I needed.

I cannot stop thinking about different things. Politics, language, how much I want a baby, how much I love my husband, how I should stop treating the dog like a human being, the fact that I should get a job, the fact that my best friend is pregnant and I am not there, how much I want two of my closest friends to get married, the fact that I should lose weight and start working out again, that I am a PhD candidate! Oh, lord this is tiring!

Then I remember that I need to breath so I turn on the TV. It's time for some cheesy, bad, maybe brainless TV show. And all of a sudden I find hidden meanings that make me think a little more and that's when I get pissed off!

I get mad with the fact that I should be able to push pause in my head. That I should be able to stop thinking and judging, evaluating. Stop doing that and make love instead. I should stop thinking and have sex.
Thank God for Valentine's Day!

every night you visit me

2008-01-24T08:59:00.000-05:00

Every night you visit me in my dreams. I like seeing you, I wake up and think you are still with me. The dreams are very vivid, they are almost real. I see you and touch you and wonder when I will hear your voice again. That's the only part of you I don't have. The silence is deafening in my dreams. I would really like to hear your voice again. Maybe you come to visit because you know I need you now. Maybe it's because you know that I need to have you close to me to give the courage and strength to keep fighting, endure, finish what I have started and not be put down. Accomplish my dreams which seen unrecognizable lately, not settle.

I think I 'm going through another wave of mourning. I really miss you mom. I really want you to be here and hold me and talk to me like we used to. As I write this I cry. I haven't done that in a while. Tears tend to be liberating, but today they feel burdening. I feel like I did a couple of years ago when I could not believe that you left us, that you were taken away from us. It is unbearable to think that the only way I can feel you and touch you is in my dreams. I don't think I will ever stop feeling this way.

I love you and I miss you like crazy!

The new year

2008-01-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

So what will the new year bring?
Well, to start from my own family, lots of work for my husband and hopefully lots of achievements that will benefit many people.
A doctorate candidacy for me, hopefully, and a dissertation proposal.
A visit or two from Cyprus.
A honeymoon.
Lots of happiness and love, a happy everyday life.
To move on to those closest to me, this year will bring babies.
I hope that they are both healthy and happy.
A wedding or two, fun times.
Maybe a new job.
Maybe some relationships will take the next step towards partnership and a joint future.
All of us try hard to achieve our dreams, have a happy and fulfilling life, and along the way make a difference in the world regardless of how we do it.
This new year will bring changes for all of us.
I used to be terrified by change, but it seems that change has become synonymous to growth.

Christmas time

2007-12-20T10:45:00.000-05:00

Christmas time has always been my favorite time of the winter...
This Christmas is even more important because we now have a home, a dog, each other...
It has been a festive time. It's been fun and it continues to be fun.
I am overjoyed that you are with me, that you love me, and that you are doing your best to make life more fun....
I haven't written to you in a while.
But, I have been thinking about you a lot!
It doesn't matter that you are with me every day.
I still feel that I need to communicate with you this way.
I love you. I love that we have built a life together and that we are still having fun!
I love that in our own, private, way we are still on our honeymoon....and I love the fact that it is a way that no one else gets!
I love that you are not perfect, for you are perfect for me!

Τα γενέθλιά σου

2007-11-28T15:07:00.000-05:00

Ακόμα μια χρονιά στην απουσία...Θα τ'ομολογήσω....μου λείπεις τρομερά, αλλά έχω συνηθίσει...
Η ζωή συνεχίζεται, η ρουτίνα γίνεται πιο απαιτητική κι εγώ προσπαθώ να επιπλεύσω!
Εχώ συνηθίσει πια να σε σκέφτομαι αλλιώς. Νιώθω όλα τα πράματα που θα μού 'λεγες. Νιώθω τις απαντήσεις σου και τις επιλογές σου. Ξέρεις, νομίζω πως εγώ σου μοιάζω πιο πολύ απ'όλους.
Χρόνια σου πολλά αγαπημένη μου...φέτος θα γινόσουν εξήντα οχτώ.
Να ζήσεις, να περνάς όμορφα εκεί με τους αγγέλους και μη μας ξεχνάς!
Σ'αγαπώ πολύ!

Bart, the start of a family...

2007-10-28T08:30:00.000-04:00

Bryan and I have been wanting a dog for a while. We finally found one that fits, as far as we know, we our lifestyle and work hours. His name is Bart. The name is kind of funny because of Bryan's obsession with the Simpsons....

Bart seems to be a very good dog. Of course it's only been twenty four hours since we got him, and it is the weekend. The week will tell if he will be a good fit for us.

What worries me, however, is that Bryan's allergies have been acting up since we got Bart. I don't know what we would do if we cannot keep Bart because of Bryan's allergies. By no means am I blaming Bryan, but it will be difficult to take him back even after such a short time. I think that we have bonded with him, both of us. It seems that now we have some other creature to think about other than each other, and we have been good at that. So, caring about Bart and then having to let him go will be tough.

Having a dog is such a huge responsibility. It means that you need to be consistent, caring, and psychic! This last part is what creates a little stress for me. Not knowing what Bart wants or needs makes me feel somewhat anxious. I know that at some point I will know what Bart wants and needs, but right now it is a guessing game. I see myself being a little bit taken in by his cuteness, although I am trying hard to make him do what I want him to do, not the other way around. For instance, this morning when I took him out for his walk I made him sit at every corner right before we crossed the street. At some corners it took us about a minute to do that. At some others he sat right away. So, I guess training is important for his own good and our own mental sanity. He sits and waits for his food. We started to work on "come" and "lay down." We have a long way ahead of us.

Having Bart makes me think about people who beat their dogs or abuse them in other ways. I cannot imagine why you would hurt a dog particularly when all it wants is a bit of consistency and love. Dogs don't learn by beating them up. It only makes them more aggravated. I know people who do beat up their dogs. I don't know what to say. I guess it is the same thing with kids. Hurting them will not necessarily teach them anything, although some times it relieves the parent of anxiety and fear (which is not right, but is true).

It's been a month already!

2007-10-01T09:52:00.000-04:00

How fast life goes by! Exactly one month ago, at this very minute I was on my way to the church to get married. I haven't really reflected on my wedding day. I can say for sure that it was the happiest day of my life! I had a lot of fun, but then again, I always have fun with Bryan.
I never thought, however, that I would be that much nervous. I slept only three hours the night before the wedding. I was ready for my hair appointment half hour before I had to be there. I was dresses and ready for pictures about twenty minutes before my family arrived at our house! Maybe this is what it means to be ready for marriage! That day flew by like an F-16! I felt its presence, I was happy to be part of it, but it was over in a glance! You spent an entire year preparing for this day and all of a sudden is gone. We only have a sweet after taste and lots of pictures to remind us of it!
Now I feel like something in my suddenly matured. I am a married woman. It's like a feeling I cannot describe. In many ways nothing is changed from the previous two years. Now I have jewelry to prove that I 'm married. Now I have a very long last name! And a husband! But, there is this feeling of maturity. The feeling of family I always yearned for. A sense of security that's comforting.
I now have to switch modes. It's time to go back to work. The transition is difficult, I know that. But, it's something that needs to be done! At least, I come home to the love of my life! And one day I will tell you what that means.

"αυτο το μαζι σου παει"

2007-09-14T17:55:00.000-04:00

Παντρεύτηκα. Αύριο κλείνουν δυο βδομάδες!
Μου φαίνεται παράξενο που αυτή η μέρα ήρθε κι έφυγε...τόση προετοιμασία...τέλος!
Μα βέβαια, η ζωή μου ως σύζυγος μόλις άρχισε, ως σύντροφος συνεχίζεται!
Είμαι ευτυχισμένη και οι λέξεις δεν χωράνε τούτο το συναίσθημα!
Μάζι, μια συντροφικότητα που μεγαλώνει μέρα με τη μέρα.
Αμαλία μου, δίκιο έχεις, "αυτό το μαζι" το νιώθω να μου "πάει."
Μαζί με κάτι ήλιους να μας φωτίζουν τη ζωή όταν έχει συννεφιά...
Μαρούλα μου, σέυχαριστώ που ήσουνα δίπλα μου.

2007-08-08T07:46:00.000-04:00

ταξιδέυω για Κύπρο
νιώθω περίεργα, αλλά καλά περίεργα
είναι λες και κάνω ένα ταξίδι χωρίς γυρισμό με μαγευτικό προορισμό
δεν ξέρω πώς αλλιώς να ζωγραφίσω τούτη την εικόνα
παρά μ'ένα κίτρινο ήλιο

and the journey begins...

2007-08-06T17:13:00.000-04:00

tomorrow my journey begins...I 'm going to Cyprus to finalize wedding plans.
going to meet the rest of my life!
it feels funny in a good way. it feels right. it's exciting and scary and everything important decisions are supposed to be!

three years of hard work

2007-07-26T16:22:00.000-04:00

Three years of hard work have come to an end.
Finally my master's thesis in now handed in, OFF MY SHOULDERS!
I can't quite realized it yet. In a few days when I will think about the work I have to do on my thesis and realize that there is none, that's when I will know.
It has been a valuable experience. It tested me in more than one ways.
My emotional strength for one. I know have more than I ever thought.
I could have never do it on my own of course. The one person who really helped my plow through this is process is my fiance...I love you.
But, then, my friend Ruth helped me a lot since she knows how grad school works.
I have a Master of Arts degree! Who would have thought!
I sometimes look at my work and think that there is no way that I am the writer of this scientific text in a language other than my native!
I am proud of myself and it is not often that I say this!
Mom, I wish you were here to celebrate with me.
Dad, thanks for the vote of confidence when I needed the most.

2007-07-20T16:26:00.000-04:00

φοβάμαι....είναι φυσιολογικό?

2007-07-20T15:04:00.000-04:00

σήμερα παντρεύομαι για πρώτη φορά...αυτός ο γάμος θα είναι μικρός, διαδικαστικός...
κανείς από όλους εσας δε θα σταθεί δίπλα μου
όλοι θα περιμένουν τη πρωτη μέρα του φθινωπορινού μήνα
αλλά σήμερα...κανείς
είμαι χαρούμενη αλλά και μελαγχολική
είμαι πλαισιωμένη απ' ανθρώπους όμορφους, δυναμικούς
κι όμως σήμερα θα μου λείψουν οι συγγενείς....
κάτι έχει αυτός ο ιούλης
ένα αεράκι δημιουργίας απαλύνει την κάψα του ήλιου στα πρόσωπά μας...
μου λείπετε πολύ...

wedding frustrations

2007-06-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

What makes people think that they can dictate what you can and can't do?
Yesterday I told my aunts that I would like to skip the custom of kissing the stefana right after the ceremony. One of them reacted badly to this announcement. She actually said that it is out of the question! I love her dearly, but what makes her think that she has any say in this?

One of the reasons she mentioned was the absence of my mom. She actually said "don't even think about it, especially since the most important person will not be there." Which is precisely the second most important reason for not wanting to do this. What exactly makes her believe that she or anyone else can replace or stand in the shoes of my mom and her blessing?

But, the most important reason is one that everyone fails to understand. The fact that I am marrying a person who is of different background and culture, a person who has not put any requests or objections forward, a person who is willing not to have all of his family and friends at this wedding just so that I do! And the argument that they put forward is that you come to Cyprus, you are making a Cypriot wedding. In other words, I should not divert from anything they are used to seeing.

My family has expectations about this wedding. They cannot consider that my situation is a little different. Just because I chose to get married in Cyprus it does not mean that my partner's culture will be left out. Their idea of difference is all about decoration and how much money will be spent. I am stuck in the middle. And part of the problem is that I don't know what I want. Do I want to make them happy without considering that I should incorporate some of the culture that I embraced? Or do I think about what I would like to do, what I like about weddings and skip everything that I don't. In terms of the kissing of the stefana....I don't know. I actually don't know where to stop. Bryan will only have his parents. It is very inconsiderate of I to put him through I don' even know how many sets of aunts and uncles....I don't like this custom. I don't. From now on, I think that I will not say the real reasons why I don't want to do some things. I will just say that I simply don't like it!

Who would have thought that my father would be the most easy to work with.....

αρχή και τέλος μαζί...

2007-05-28T08:13:00.000-04:00

βήμα πρώτο: εκτελέστηκε.
βήμα δεύτερο: υπό εκτέλεση

Τέλειωσα τις εξετάσεις μου. Ελπίζω να έχω περάσει. Ελπίζω το βήμα δεύτερο να μην είναι η κατασκευή σχεδίου Β.

Πάω Κύπρο την Τετάρτη. Δεν το έχω σκεφτεί καθόλου...το μόνο που ξέρω είναι ότι θα βοηθήσω τη Γιάννα σε ό,τι χρειαστεί. Θα δώσω και τις προσκλήσεις για το γάμο μου....

Δεν έχω σκεφτεί καθόλου ότι θα είμαι για πολυ καιρό στο σπίτι χωρίς τη μαμά. Αχ, Μαρούλα μου, με ποιον θα πίνω τον καφέ μου τώρα εγω; Δεν κλαίω, χαμογελώ... Χαμογελώ γιατί η απουσία σου μου είναι πιο αισθητή τώρα που έχω ξεφύγει από το λήθαργο της απόγνωσης και της κατάθλιψης.

Για αρκετούς μήνες έπλεα σε μία ενδιάμεση κατάσταση. Όχι ακριβώς ζωντανή αλλά ούτε και νεκρή. Απλά ανέκφραστη τον περισσότερο χρόνο...ανίκανη να νιώσω τη ζωή...χωρίς χαμόγελο.

Τώρα, χαμογελώ. Νιώθω. Είμαι ευτυχισμένη. Είμαι λιγάκι τρομαγμένη, λιγάκι φοβισμένη, μα κρατώ το κεφάλι ψηλά και στέκομαι περήφανη για την επιλογή που έχω κάνει. Σε σκέφτομαι και χαμογελώ. Μου λείπεις τρομερά. Αλλά σκέφτομαι πως όπου και να βρίσκεσαι, όποια μορφή και να έχεις, είσαι πάντα δίπλα μου!

Τέλειωσε λοιπόν η κατάθλιψη. Άρχισε η ζωή. Αυτό το μήνα θα σταθώ δίπλα στην αδερφή μου -έτσι νιώθω- για να είμαι μάρτυρας στην απόφαση που πήρε . Είμαι πολυ περήφανη γι'αυτό.

Αυτό το μήνα θα έρθει ο Bryan στην Κύπρο. Το σπίτι θα είναι γεμάτο με τους άντρες που αγαπώ περισσότερο κι απ'τη ζωή μου.

Αρχή μιας καινούριας ιστορίας. Τέλος μιας παλιάς...η ζωη μου τελός κι αρχή...

Cancer.....

2007-04-19T08:06:00.000-04:00

I am listening to the Morning Edition on National Public Radio right now, as I do every morning. There was a story just a few minutes ago about a breast cancer risk calculator. Needless to say, I took the test. Of course I lied on the test because it is a tool for women above 35. I am not quite there yet, but I will be soon enough and I want to know what my chances are!

It seems that my chances of developing cancer by the time I am 40 are about 1%. This percentage is about 0.7% higher than the average woman. The test only asked me about first degree relatives who have had cancer. I answered 1. Now here's where it gets scary but funny. I have about 25% chances of developing breast cancer by the time I am 90! So it's scary! 25% is a large percentage. But, on the other hand, the latter part of the sentence is quite funny: 90! If my soon to be husband doesn't kill me till then I will live to be 90! 90....I think about it and my thought is, if I live to be 90 I will be lucky.

My mom was 66 when she died. Only her mother had breast cancer as far as we know. She had her first child when she was 28, about my age. As far as I know she breast fed. She never really worked out, but ate relatively healthy. Never smoked. Yet, she developed cancer when she was 53, was in remission for about five or six years, and then went out of remission when she was 60. She lived with cancer for about six years. In 2004 she started to decline. When she came to visit, it was as if she was a different person. She could not walk very far or quickly, she was not keen to try exotic or out of the ordinary dishes. She started to be a little quieter, more withdrawn. Still, she made it through two years of breast cancer. Only in the last year, after she started chemotherapy for the very first time (!!!!) , one could see just how ill she was. She lost even more weight, she was depressed and even more withdrawn... Her spirit was shattered. That was the greatest defeat for her. Actually, she decide to depart only nine months after her first experience with chemo.

This is the first time I am reflecting on breast cancer and my mom's journey. Mom let breast cancer take her spirit away. She saw it as a fault, a disadvantage which she never admitted to anyone. She never talked much about it. She did not feel the need to express her fears. She never wanted anyone to know that she duelled on it. I think that my dad was the only recipient of her inner thoughts. I think that she was afraid. I think she did not know how to handle herself and her fears...after all, she was the rock of the family. I think she grind her teeth too. I am not angry with her. I try not be judgemental, but it is rather difficult. I wish she could be a little more brave. I wish she showed the same courage she showed when she was 16 carrying bombs and revolution brochures in her schoolbag. But, as she said to me many time, that's how she was and I should be different. Come to think about it, she always encouraged me to be different than her on these issues.

I hear you mom, and now I understand what you were trying to tell me!

Πάσχα

2007-04-05T09:11:00.000-04:00

Πάσχα και η αυλή βάζει τα γιορτινά της...οι φλαούνες...οι παστούδες (εκνευρίστικα όταν ανακάλυψα ότι δεν έχω τη συνταγή...)
Πάσχα...μου αρέσει το το Πάσχα...μέχρι τώρα δεν είχα συνειδητοποιήσει πόσο μέγαλο μέρος του είναι μου είναι αυτές οι γιορτές της Ορθοδοξίας!
Σήμερα ο Χριστός σταυρώνεται. Πάντα μου φέρνει δάκρυα στα μάτια αυτή η λειτουργία.
Θα πάμε εκκλησία μαζί με τον Bryan....
Σίγουρα δεν είναι το ίδιο αίσθημα του Πάσχα στην Κύπρο, όμως είναι μια άλλη εκδοχή οικογενειακής ζωής! Μιας πολυ μικρής οικογένειας, αλλά από κάπου πρέπει ν'αρχίσουμε κι εμείς!
Καλό Πάσχα σε όλους! Καλή Ανάσταση! Μου λείπετε όλοι τρομερά!
Σας έχω όμως στην καρδιά μου, άρα και δίπλα μου!

γυναίκα προς γυναίκα

2007-03-08T08:29:00.000-05:00

Πέρυσι τέτοια ώρα έμαθα πως δε θα ξανάκουγα τη φωνή σου,
πως δε θα ξαναπίναμε τον καφε μας μαζί το πρωί,
πως δε θα σε ξαναπείραζα για τις ισπανόφωνες, μεταγλωτισμένες σειρές που σ' άρεσε να παρακολουθείς...
πως δε θα μπορούσα πια να σε ρωτήσω εσύ τι έκανες όταν παντρεύτηκες
ή πως φτιάχνεις φακές...
πως δεν πρόλαβα να σου πω αντίο, να σε φιλήσω και να το νιώσεις,
να σου πω πόσο τυχερή είμαι που τελικά γίναμε φίλες
και πως δεν είμαι και τόσο διαφορετική απο σένα...
Μου πήρε ένα ολόκληρο χρόνο να συνειδητοποιήσω πως δε λείπεις σε ταξίδι,
πως δε θα γυρίσεις πια...
Μου φαίνεται απίστευτο πως δεν είσαι εδώ! Ακόμα και τώρα, πίσω πίσω στο μυαλό μου υπάρχει μια φωνούλα που λέει "μπα, αποκλείεται να μη την ξαναδεις, θα γυρίσει..."
Ξέρω, με επισκέπτεσαι συχνά...έρχεσαι στα όνειρα μου να μου πεις την καλησπέρα σου και φύγεις...ας είναι...
Ήθελα να σου πω πως λυπάμαι που δεν γνώρισες την πεθερά μου,
θα τη συμπαθούσες...μοιάζετε λίγο
Ήθελα να σου πω πως είμαι καλά και να μην ανησυχεις.
Και τέλος, ήθελα να σου Χρόνια Πολλά!
Είναι η μέρα της γυναίκας σήμερα. Καλά, καλά ξέρω! Εσύ δε γιορτάζεις σήμερα!
Δε μπορούσα ν'αντισταθώ! Πάντα σε πείραζα τέτοια μέρα!

ένα χρόνο αργότερα

2007-02-22T10:28:00.000-05:00

Τι να πω...πολλές εκπλήξεις η ζωή...
μια τετοια μου φύλαγε ο εαυτός μου,
μια τέτοια...
Αναρωτιέμαι τι άλλο θα ανακαλύψω για μένα. Από τότε που έχασα τη μάνα μου, φοβάμαι να κατακτήσω τη ζωή. Φοβάμαι ότι δεν μπορώ να τα καταφέρω. 'Εχω ξεχάσει ποια είμαι. Ταξίδεψα τόσο μακριά για να αποδείξω στον εαυτό μου πως μπορώ να είμαι μακριά απ'την "αυλή." Εκείνη την αυλή γεμάτη με χαμόγελα, δάκρια, φωνές, γιασεμιά και φούλια... Ανακάλυψα στο ταξίδι μου πως μπορώ να μείνω μακριά τους. Μερικές φορές νιώθω λίγη μοναξιά... λίγο που το σπίτι μου φαίνεται πιο μεγάλο όταν δεν είσαι 'δω... λίγο που ακόμα συνηθίζω στην ιδέα πως "πάω δίπλα για καφέ" είναι μια φράση αποκλείστικα χρησιμοποιούμενη στη Λιπέρτη! Είναι λίγο που ψιλοφοβάμαι τον "έγγαμο βίο." Και είναι που εδώ κι ένα χρόνο οι ερωτήσεις μου έχουν μείνει αναπάντητες!
Σ'αγαπώ, ζωή μου...σ'αγαπώ...
Αγαπώ το χαμόγελο σου και το χιούμορ σου.
Αγαπώ την επιθυμία σου να βοηθήσεις τον κόσμο να ζήσει μια καλύτερη ζωή.
Αγαπώ τη φιλοδοξία σου...με φοβίζει η φιλοδοξία σου...μ'αναγκάζει να είμαι ανεξάρτητη και αύτοφωτη! Αλλά, έτσι δεν ήμουν πάντα; Έτσι ήμουν....επέλεγα να είμαι μ' ανθρώπους...επιλέγω να είμαι μαζί σου!
Η μάνα μου πάντα ήταν βράχος. Πάντα στήριζε τον άντρα της. Πάντα έμενε λίγο πίσω κι απολάμβανε το θέαμα και το "ευχαριστώ" του άντρα της!
Έμαθε από νωρίς να μας φροντίζει χωρίς να εξαρτάται από κανένα. Πάντα είχε τη γιαγιά (τη γιαγιά που ήρθε στ'όνειρό μου χθες βράδυ να μου πει καλησπέρα!). Αλλά ήτανε πάντα αυτόφωτη κι ανεξάρτητη, γι'αυτό της ήταν τόσο δύσκολο όταν δεν μπορούσε να φροντίζει τον εαυτό της.
Ένα χρόνο αργότερα μου λείπει όσο ποτέ. Ένα χρόνο αργότερα, η ζωή συνεχίζεται χώρις αυτήν. Ένα χρόνο αργότερα παλεύω να βρω τον εαυτό μου. Τον εαυτό που η μάνα μου διαμόρφωσε, αυτόν που την έκανε περήφανη, αυτόν που ο σύντροφος μου ερωτεύτηκε!
Αυτόν που πρέπει να εμπιστευτώ ξανά!
Ένα χρόνο αργότερα...το χρωστώ σε μένα, μα και σε σένα!

2007-02-08T10:30:00.000-05:00

Καινούρια ενέργεια, ανανεωμένη πίστη...τελικά ποιος είπε ότι οι καβγάδες σε καλό δε βγαίνουν;

2007-01-28T15:13:00.000-05:00

Σήμερα είναι μια μέρα άδεια...άδεια από αίσθημα, από συναίσθημα, από χαμόγελο
Σήμερα είπα να θυμηθώ τη παλιά μου γλώσσα
Σήμερα είπα να γράψω σε μένα, σ'ένα παλιό εαυτό που άρχισα να ξαναβρίσκω,
έστω και με τη δυσκολία ενός πληκτρολογίου που σχεδόν ποτέ ελληνικά δε γράφει!
Θέλω να πω πολλά με μια φωναχτή σιωπή, κι αν μ'ακούσεις μη φοβηθείς, γλυκιά μου αγάπη
καλησπέρα!

new beginnings

2007-01-03T09:58:00.000-05:00

Another year, I hope that this one will be better than the last. Although, I should say that the two most important things in my life happened in 2006: I lost my mom on March 8th, and I got engaged to be married on September 2.
Yesterday I joined an online grief group. It is particularly comforting to hear from people that I don't know who can understand and relate to what I am going through without much explanation.
I found much comfort in the fact that I am not alone.
It is rather unfortunate and unfair for my fiance that the excitement of planning a wedding is overshadowed by the mourning and grief, the fear of loss, and the sadness of not having my mom at the wedding.
It is not fair that the emptiness that is prevalent at times spills into everything in my life. I must be one of the most fortunate people alive to have a partner who is willing to stand by me, and still want to marry me through this difficult time.
The pragmatist in me says enough already. The rest of me says, give yourself time and don't push it! Recognizing the problem is half the battle!

Thoughts from Cyprus

2006-12-18T08:50:00.000-05:00

I am back to Cyprus for a second time after my mom's passing.
Thank goodness, I have been busy with appointments for my wedding.
This time around my father and I were able to communicate, I guess in the absence of everyone else, we kinda have to find a way not to hurt each other.
The house seems empty at times. It was particularly empty when I was putting up Christmas decorations...
Yesterday I exercised my right to vote. After almost eight years I felt that being a citizen was something more than just informed or "into" things!
There are so much I want to say, so much I want to do here...Voting was just a small little thing that made me think about how easy it is here, how tough it is back there...
All the family here is going to be gathered and I am going to be back with my partner...choices, they are so difficult...

2006-11-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

oh, and I am no longer hiding my identity, my fears, my disadvantages or my aspirations!

my mom's birthday

2006-11-28T12:04:00.000-05:00

Today is the first time in my twenty eight years of life that I almost forgot my mom's birthday.
She passed away nine months ago.
Can you get over a loss in nine months?
Or is it that life comes at you fast that sometimes you forget important dates? Or is it that I wanted to block it from my memory so I wouldn't have to face the fact that she will not pick up the phone when I call home!
Either way, happy birthday mom!

realizations

2006-11-21T13:44:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what being out in the wilderness can do to a person.
Lately I have been lacking the motivation to finish my thesis
All I have been wanting to do is watch bad television shows
Shows that allow me to escape to a different reality
One that is not mine
One that is fake
and as such, it cannot touch me
it cannot hurt me
it does not give me stress,
but it makes me cry and laugh
two very real behaviors that provide me with a false sense of living
And then, two miles and boat loads of sweating later I found myself on top of a mountain
I found myself living in a metaphor
"if I can climb this mountain I can finish my thesis"
I saw me climb the mountain
I felt the snow flakes on my face
I felt an extraordinary sense of accomplishment
the kind that I haven't had in a while
Two days later I am determined that this thesis will be done
I am determined that I will not fail
as much failings as I have had, personal and professional
this one will not be part them!
My reality is similar to other people's
yet, very different
as silly as it sounds the little things of our everyday life make it worth living
the difficulties or the long processes make us appreciate the promptness of other things
if anyone ever asks my what's it like writing a thesis
I will say that it's like a four mile long, moderate hike
at some parts it seems endless, but once you make it to the top
you have to come back to the parking lot and complete your journey!

something missing

2006-10-26T10:18:00.000-04:00

something missing from my life
what that might be I don't know
motivation
courage
what might be there....
fear of completion
fear of failure
uneasyness about the absence of the safety net
uncertainty of the unknown

The racism of the bridal gown

2006-10-13T13:41:00.000-04:00

Those who are a "plus size," as the fashion industry calls women who are outside of the "regular" sizes, have surely experienced uncomfortable feelings when trying on wedding gowns....
When you are looking for everyday attire there isn' t mush problem
There plenty of styles to go around these days. Things are much better than 5 or 10 years ago.
But, you know what has not changed?
The wedding industry!
Unless you are a size 4 0r 6 you cannot get a decent dress! Because wedding gowns run 2 to 3 sizes small. Say you are a 14, you need an 18 or a 20 size wedding gown! That is such a blow on self esteem!
I am one of the people who refuse to get sucked into the "thin ideal"
As long as I am healthy, eating right and working out, I am not going to go on a diet to be a size 8!
I am size 14! I would like it if I were a size 12 or 10, but I am not going to deprive myself of any culinary pleasures.
What is outrageously obvious is that the gown industry wants to make even more money via alterations and charging extra for a size bigger than 16! They simply want more money than the 2,000 or 3,000 dollars they charge for a good dress! Can you imagine? How racist!

everyday routines

2006-10-01T13:10:00.000-04:00

I wake up in the moring, usually around 7am,
hop in the shower,
get dressed,
go downstairs in the kitchen to make coffee while continuing to listen to the NPR news which accompanies me in the shower as well.
He wakes up about half an hour after I do and follows the same ritual
His coffee is ready, with milk and sugar already in his mug
We both have cereal together and leave the house about the same time
And that's when our days start to differ
I go to my office and three times a week teach pretty much right away
After that, I am supposed to be either working on my project or read for my comps in January
Instead, I find myself completely addicted to searching on line for plane tickets, for wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, hotel reservations, wedding invitations, etc
I am completely unable to focus on my work if I am in front of a computer with Internet access.
Talk about self-discipline
I used to be able to wake up ealry enough to do my work and then play
now it's merely playing
I think that since I lost my mom I have realized that stressing about work is not worth it
But, I have reached the other side
I am fast becoming "lazy"
everyday routines?
I wish!

28 years of life

2006-09-19T09:27:00.000-04:00

so many lessons
so many experiences
28 years of life
28 years of wisdom?
Last night I was reading the wedding planning book my soon to be mother-in-law sent us
so many responsibilities for the mother of the bride
tears running down my cheeks and a smile for her, 'cause she never really liked rituals that much
and today, today I am imagining to hear her voice, just like I did for the last 28 years
I 'm pretending that I got her card
I 'm actually telling her what presents I got and describe every little detail
I 'm keeping her as close as possible, for 27 and a half years are not easily forgotten
and for today, I know she would not want me to be sad
28, mom, 28
please look down and smile, just as you would if you were right here

communication

2006-09-11T14:05:00.001-04:00

I am supposed to be good at it
As I teach my students, successful communication depends on the detection and repair of misunderstandings that may interfere with the creation of shared knowledge.
I cannot get across to my father.
Stuck in a totally different place, stuck in a situation which sacks because he is alone and just know he learns how to function alone,
I am stuck in between waiting for him to decide what he wants for me so that I move on with planning a wedding.
I 'm stuck
Stuck, stuck, stuck
I wish that things were different
I wish that he wasn't alone
I wish I had my mom to go wedding gown shopping with!
I wish
But in this I believe, the ability of social beings to detect and repair misunderstandings
I believe in communication
as hard as it may be now

Decisions that have changed my life

2006-09-05T07:10:00.000-04:00

Five years ago amidst a blur from a different cigarette I decided I wanted to do a Masters degree
The university I wanted to go to had to had in it's name the name New York.
I indeed arrived on August 5, 2003
I met this hippieish girl, a little weird but with a great willingness to help me out.
We became friends
A year later, after having been to Cyprus for the entire summer, taking a spontaneous trip to London for three days, letting go of the man I thought I was crazy in love with, and deciding that I want to be with no one, just myself, my degree, and my thoughts, I came back to meet the most wonderful, thoughtful, kind, charming and handsome man I ever met.
Three years later I still believe all these things about him
Three years later I love him more than I ever did, and I have fallen in love with him AGAIN!
Three years later, a simple four later question, and simple one word answer have changed both of our lives.
"Will you marry me?" "Yes"
lots of tears and two smiles that cannot be erased
On the day of the my mom's six month memorial
I don't think I can ever be able to give her a better memorial!
I love you honey, thanks....

three years

2006-09-01T07:23:00.000-04:00

it has been three years
three years of fun, tears, companionship, passion,
of love
you don't know this, but I still get anxious when it's about the time you come home
maybe three years is a long time, or maybe it isn't
you have made my life more interesting and more fun
you have become my best friend
you have made me have feelings I never thought I could feel
the reflection of me in your eyes is such a huge boost to become a little better everyday
i love you, but then again you know that
i don't have much to wish for us
just to keep our faith in each other
happy three years!

επιβιωσαμε κι αυτο

2006-08-28T15:05:00.000-04:00

ρενουλι...καταλαβες οτι επιβιωσαμε κι αυτη τη δοκιμασια;
τι περιεργο το καλοκαιρι αυτο...
με ενα παραπονο στα χειλη ημαστε ολοι
γιατι να μην ειναι η μαμα εδω;
γιατι το ξενοδοχειο να ειναι λερωμενο;
γιατι να μη με γνωριζουν αυτοι που αγαπω;
μ'ενα παραπονο κι ενα γιατι οδηγο περασαμε τον αυγουστο μας
πηγαμε... σε κακο παντως δε μας βγηκε, ετσι ξαδερφη;
και τωρα...τωρα μενω να αναρωτιεμαι τι εχει συμβει, ποτε και γιατι (να το παλι αυτο το γιατι, με κατατρεχει)
τι ωρα ειναι δε θα ρωτησω κι αν θα σε χασω δεν θα μιλησω, αυτη την ωρα θελω να κλεψω και στων ματιων σου το εργο να παιξω
στο ταξιδι μου αγορασα ενα δισκο των Πυξ Λαξ με τιτλο ΤΟ ΤΕΛΟΣ
να 'ναι συμβολικο αραγε μιας καινουριας αρχης;

2006-08-06T10:21:00.000-04:00

"you can never go home" that's what you said first time I returned to my parents home
questions now rise
doubts that creep up from dark, scary places
in the dim corridors of my thoughts I find nothing
sometimes the emptiness is frightening
sometimes the fullness is smothering
I long for you touch
I ache for your kiss
I miss the companionship
how funny...
life chooses us sometimes, not the other way around

painfully obvious

2006-07-28T07:55:00.000-04:00

it's painfully obvious that dad doesn't know how to handle us
it's painfully obvious that mom is not here
it's painfully obvious that you are not here with me, holding my hand as you always do
it's painfully obvious that things are not the same
it's painfully obvious that I 'm the woman of the house and I don't like it!
it's painfully obvious that I am left to deal with the changes in life as a grown up!
I don't know whether realizing all these is good or bad
I only know that I am lucky enough to have a partner who's always going to help me through thick and thin!
That's just joyfully obvious!

fear and joy

2006-07-17T09:32:00.000-04:00

I 'm going to Cyprus in a week
First time I will be there since March
First time I will walk in the house I grew up without her waiting for me
When I went there back in March, I was so confused I didn't really know what to expect
Now I know for a fact that she will not be waiting for me
She has been visiting my dreams every single night for the past week and a half
I see her every night and I wake up with a sense of loss
everytime she is either sick or dying and I am trying to make it there on time
but I am always late
I thought I had accepted this horrible misfortune
I thought I was over it
I thought wrong
you know, sometimes when I call home, I still expect to pick up the phone
and today, today she would have been the first to call me to wish me happy name day
instead, the phone is silent
no ringing yet
I know everybody will call
I know she is wishing all the best from where she is
I am so afraid to go home
I am afraid that I will not be strong; that I will break down
I am so afraid that I will not know what to do with myself in the house
I still think that she will be there waiting for me
I miss her terribly and I don't even know how to express it
I sometimes think that all this was just a terrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from very soon
I miss you mom so much it hurts!
I know that if you were here with me you would be very frustrated that I keep saying the same thing over and over again
you would say, I know you miss me! enough! we will not be repeating ourselves over and over again! it loses its meaning if you keep doing that!
I know that's what you would say, and you are right!
for it is with our hearts we love, not with our words
it is with our actions, our brave action we enact love, not with fear

same-sex marriage

2006-07-07T11:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, the Court of Appeals (New York's highest court) said that it is not unconstitutional to ban same-sex marriage. The basic premise of the decision was that marriage had been clearly defined 100 years ago as between a man and a woman (as the words "bride" and "groom" clearly imply), something that reflects societal values.
The other side of this issue, as it was written by the one of judges that disagreed, is that marriage has been re-thought in the twentieth century to reflect equal rights of men and women choosing to marry (For more information check out the New York Times).
The discrimination seems too obvious to me. As a society we choose not judge marriages between a man and a woman, even when that marriage is based on financial interest or abuse of any sort. In fact, we endorse this type of marriages because they do not challenge us and do not provoke fear that "we" may be gay or be the target of gay flirting. We allow children to live in abusive families so long as the parents are not of the same sex.
It seems rather hypocritical of our society, once again, to start wars in the name of freedom while restricting the freedom of expression, civil liberties, and right to choose of a even a small percentage of its people. How sad!

trust you earned it

2006-06-30T11:19:00.000-04:00

The hardest thing I have ever done is trust another person one hundred percent.
I am not even sure that I have done it yet.
But there is only one person who has gain my trust more than anyone ever has.
There is only one person who deserves this trust
There is only one person who is going to get it
I trust you more than I have ever trusted anyone!
Don't forget that ever!

2006-06-30T11:12:00.000-04:00

not so long ago I met a cousin who said "we have to be in pain to write, to create"
how much truth does this carry...I have neglected my writing
I am busy living a happy life
strange
I had surgery two days ago
but I am happy
as I was going under, the anesthesia was very strong I felt mom's presence
so prevalent, so affectionate
I was not alone
she was there to hold my hand through the operation
maybe that's why I didn't want to wake up
the nurse had to call my name many many times
I am never without her
I am never without love
I am never without care
even if this ordeal turns out to be more serious than I thought
I am never alone

Happy father's day Dad!

2006-06-18T16:14:00.000-04:00

you don't know about the existence of this site
but I will still send you these wishes because you deserve it now more than ever!
Happy Father's Day!
I don't know how I got so lucky, but I will take it and be grateful
I love you dad, I am proud you!

2006-06-18T16:03:00.000-04:00

Καποιος ειπε πως η ζωη ειναι δυσκολη γι'αυτο ειν' ωραια...
Κουραστηκα με ολες τις δυσκολιες της
τι ν'απογινε αραγε εκεινη η ευκολια που βασιλευε στη ζωη μου δεν παει καιρος
Ολο παραπονα εισαι! Φτανει πια!
"Εφυγες νωρις, ουτε που προλαβα ν'αρχισω
εφυγες νωρις μα ειχα κι αλλα να σου πω" τραγουδα η Ελευθερια...
μια ζωη ολο αναχωρησεις....
ολο αντιο και να μην αργησεις
ολο παρτυ μηπως ξεχασουμε να διασκεδασουμε ολα αυτα που μας πονουν
ολο τι ωρα θα γυρισεις και ποτε θά 'ρθεις;
κι εγω καποτε να φευγω και καποτε να κουνω το 'να χερι και με τ'αλλο να σκουπιζω το δακρυ που κυλαει ποταμι
κι αλλες φορες να εκνευριζομαι γιατι εχω αναγκη τα αντιο μου...
"σκοταδι γινομαι και παραδινομαι στο ρυθμο" της θλιψης
αυτης της θλιψης απο εγωισμο γιατι υπαρχουν κι αλλες οψεις ζωης εξισου σημαντικες με μενα!
τετοιος εγωκεντρισμος....
λυπαμαι....
αχ μακαρι να μπορουσες να διαβασεις τη ψυχη μου...
τουτα τα λογια που σε σενα στελνω
ελα, ελα ψυχη μου, εχουμε παρτυ εδω!

I still miss you, mom

2006-06-09T10:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the three month anniversary of my mom's departure.
It's been three months and my mind cannot fully grasp the idea that she is forever gone....
I cannot believe that I will never be able to give her a hug and kiss her
Hear her voice and see her smile, tease her...
I talk to her often
I still do, I don't think I will ever stop.
Maybe I don't articulate the words but there is an ongoing conversation in the back of my mind
always...
I cannot hear her voice but I know what she is saying
I know all her answers to my questions, but my insecurities cast doubts on those answers.
I am looking forward to going to back to where I am from
I am glad that my entire family is going to be there
I am happy for that.
In the back of my mind I expect to go and find mom there
Waiting for my to have coffee in the morning, decide what we are going to cook, and watch the morning shows.
I expect to have another coffee with her at around 11am when my aunt comes downstairs to visit and talk about the family
I expect everything to be the same as it was last summer
But it's not.
She is not going to be there and I will have to go through all these rituals either by myself or with someone else
When I go back now I will have to go the cemetary to visit her
She will simply not be there
I don't think I realize that just yet!
I cannot believe that my father is holding up the way he is
Being in the house in which they spent all of their life together seems like the hardest thing to do
I think I don't have any right to complain about my loss; it doesn't compare to his
I love my parents very much
I don't think that I love one of them more than the other
I am one of those lucky people who have had a relationship with both
Mom and I are very close, woman to woman, friend to friend
Dad and I are also close; I like sports, he likes sports, I like politics , he likes politics, I enjoy and respect his opinion even though some times I don't agree with him
I am extremely lucky to say that I have a relationship with both of them
I am lucky that now at least one of them is alive and with me
I am grateful that they met and liked the man I love
I am grateful that they are proud and supportive of me
I am grateful that they know a little more about me than the rest of the family
I am lucky
but I still miss my mother!

2006-05-31T13:02:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been asking myself important questions
questions that will determine the rest of my life
One that keeps poping up in my head is how can I be sure that my decisions are correct, are they what my emotions and my mind dictate?
I listen to people who appear so sure for their decisions
I listen to people who seem to know exactly what their heart commands!
I see many people that have been married for as many years as my parents have been alive
I know people that claimed to have found their sould mate, only to discover that they are wrong!
The question remains: how can we be sure about
our path in our professional life?
the place we want to live?
the person we want to spend the rest of ourlives with?
How can we be sure about all these?
How can you question and search for an answer without hurting the person who is next to you?
How can you communicate that you are uneasy with the uncertainty without creating more uncertainty and more doubt?
I have been pondering on these questions for a while now
I know that other people have been asking themselves the same important questions
Ever since my mother died I have been questioning everything
It is almost as if the fear of getting hurt, the fear of one more loss, the fear of one more failure has made me want to simply be distant from everything and everyone
you know, simply hide away
Yet, there are people who not only stuck around, but came closer, opened up more and pursued a more intimate relationship with me
The person who from the very first day we met seemed to have a lot of faith in my potentials and capabilities
The fears are still there though, will they ever go away?
The questions are still there, will they ever be answered?
Every day I come closer to an answer to all these questions
There seems to be a single answer to all the questions
I don't think that you can ever be sure about any decision you make
I don't think that you can ever protect yourself from life or from love
Whoever said that love is like a bed of roses failed to note that roses sometimes have thorns and hurt you
Roses are beautiful flowers, but they do have thorns
Does that make them less beautiful, or even does the knowedge that they do have thorns keep us away from them?
I don't think so
I actually think that those thorns present the challenge of either working around them, or healing from their piercing your skin
Do you keep going back? Of course you do!
Because roses are beautiful!
And love is beautiful too.
So, what is love?
Love is ....whatever you want it to be!
As far as answering all those questions, well, it could be a waste of time
May be I ought to live little, take my chances and see where it gets me
One thing is for sure
I sure am lucky!
In my pain I have seen that people love me and want to be there for me
In my loss I have seen that being healthy is important not only for yourself but for those who love you
In my doubts, I still find the desire to put my thoughts in writing so I can sort them out
In my fears, I haven't made any decision that I know I will regret later
I only kind of lost the positive outlook that now I am so desperately trying to find!
And the hard part is, nobody can give it to me
Only I can get it for myself!

words

2006-05-24T09:48:00.000-04:00

I have been pondering on the idea of language for quite some time now...after all that is what I do...I think about language!
I am fascinated by the discrepancy between our professional lives, the way we talk in our professional settings and to the people there, the easiness that those words come to us,
and by our difficulty to come up with the right words to express ourselves to the people who care about us.
It seems that the answer is very obvious. Usually, the stakes are much higher in our personal lives than in our professional.
But, it seems that in an office, business, or academic setting one does not have to express emotions; one need only express rational views!
Yet, the language we use is so vastly different and so exhausting at times!
It seems that there is no room for mistakes in our professional lives even though the stakes in my mind are not as high as in our personal lives.
When we talk to a partner we talk with a certain ease that puts us in a position of being easily misunderstood. We simply do not pay much attention to the way we talk to the people we love! And that is where the high stakes are! Isn't that a paradox....
Amazing!
The assumptions and the expectations that come along with interpersonal relationships make life easy and difficult at the same time! It is the expectations that create problems with the people that we love!
It is the language that conveys that expectation that will create quarrels and arguments, especially if there is an inconsistency of locations in the relationship!
And then another problem arises:
how do you communicate that the expectation is not really an expectation with a sense of obligation, but rather a wish...
A wish that the words you want to hear, and the actions you want to hear are going to make you even happier
How does one communicate to a partner that patience is a virtue that many people do not possess?
How do you communicate to a partner that the language of expectation is really a language of wish, a language of "would like to," a language of something that you think is the right, it feels right, thing to do?
And, why is it easier for us to express ourselves to people we hardly know, rather than to people we know very well?
I often wish that I can get into people's minds and see how their mind and heart works...
I would love to see things, to understand life through their eyes...how wiser would that make me? Would it?
I wish that I have found the words to communicate to the one I care about that my language is one of wish, not expectation
one of desire, not obligation
and one of love, rather than pressure...

How does one deal with pain?

2006-05-16T14:30:00.000-04:00

In one of the cheesy TV shows I like to watch I heard one of the participants say "find your pain and deal with it"
It made me wonder, how do you deal with your pain?
Having "the hard conversations?"
I was never afraid, never in my entire life to have the hard conversations.
I actually think that I like the hard conversations
I like them so much that I practice them often
often enough not to consider them hard
"don't pretend that everything is ok"
Well, I don't
sometimes things are ok, some other times things are not
My question is how do you deal with a loss
how do you come to accept that you will never see your mother again?
and the hardest part is that sometimes I accept that
But some others I don't
I have flashbacks from the moments I had with her,
from her funeral,
in her coffin laying there in peace, having one of the most relaxed expressions she ever had
then, I think about going back home and I think that I am going to be spending my mornings with her as I did for the last four years....but then, I remember that she is no longer there!
I look at stores on line and I think about the gifts I have to get for family and I think what to get her, but then, I remind myself that she is no longer there!
Sometimes thinking about that is fine!
Some others it just drives me crazy!
Why is it that now as I think about my future I am not allowed to have my mom in it?
Why is it that as I think about moving on with my life I will not have her there to support me?
And why is it that there people my mom's age who still have their parents around?
I get bitter when I think this way and I really shouldn't!
I cannot help it sometimes.
My question remains, how does one deal with pain?
even the therapist cannot answer that!
then, I find myself laying on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a spoon in my hands watching cheesy shows that make me cry so that I kind of deal with my pain....

μαμα mama

2006-05-12T09:49:00.000-04:00

Αληθεια δεν ειναι υπεροχη τουτη η λεξη;
δεν ειναι τυχαιο που τα μωρα μαθαινουν πρωτα αυτη τη λεξη και μετα ολα τα υπολοιπα...
δεν ειναι τυχαιο που μαμα και μπαμπας ειναι οι δυο πρωτες λεξεις που μαθαινουμε οχι γιατι μας τις επαναλμβανουν ολοι συνεχεια, αλλα γιατι απ' αυτα τα δυο προσωπα κρεμεται ολοκληρη η ζωη μας, παντα!
Τι σημασια εχει αν εισαι μερικων ημερων ή μερικων δεκαετιων...
εισαι το μωρο καποιου κι αυτο σου δινει το δικαιωμα να ζητας δωρα στα γενεθλια σου, να θυμωνεις μαζι τους γιατι ακομα μετα απο τοσο καιρο δεν καταλαβαινουν τι κανεις με τη ζωη σου
εκνευριζεσαι γιατι το Σαββατοκυριακο θελουν οι ανθρωποι να ξεκουραστουν και δεν θελουν να κρατησουν τα'γγονια τους, αλλα τελικα, μαλλον θα το κανουν!
Μανα ειναι μονο μια, λεει η λαικη ρηση.
Σοφη κουβεντα
Ομως τη μανα δεν την κανει η γεννα αλλα η αγαπη
η αγαπη που ειναι τομοναδικο φωτεινο αστερι στον ουρανο
η αγαπη που ειναι ο φαρος στη φουρτουνιασμενη ζωη μας
η μαμα
ναι, ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να αφησεις τη μανα σου να φυγει
ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να σκεφτεσαι πως οι καλοκαιρινες διακοπες θα ειναι μειον ενας
της μαμας
μα, ταυτοχρονα, ξερεις τι σκεφτομαι;
σκεφτομαι πως ο παπας ειναι εκει και μανα και πατερας
σκεφτομαι πως οι θειες ειναι εκει, μανες πια
Δεν θα ξεχασω ποτε τα λογια της ανθουλας
"τωρα ειμαι εγω εδω για σας, ο,τι χρειατειτε, σε μενα"
Δεν εχασα λοιπον μια μανα
Κερδισα αλλη μια
κι αλλη μια
Κερδισα...
Σας αγαπω μανουλες
Σ'αγαπω Μαρουλα μου και μου λειπεις αφορητα
αλλα, σου υποσχομαι πως αν με αξιωσει ο Θεος να γινω μανα
θα προσπαθησω να ειμαι οσο καλη εισαι εσυ
Να μου ζησεις!
Να μου ζησετε!

my life is cut between Greek and English
so, I have to say what I just said above in English as well

Isn't it funny how the first words out of a child's mouth is mama
isn't it funny how we learn to call that one person first
ok, maybe papa or daddy too
but, it is not by accident
it's only because our whole life depends on these two people
it doesn't really matter if you are a few days or decades old
mama is still mama
and daddy is still daddy
they are the people you bitch to when work is not going right or when that sun of a gun for professor you have gave you a C when you really deserved an A!
they are the people who will give you new windows for a birthday present and make sure that you know that they are available to come to your house for Christmas because the kids have a right to be at their house opening presents!
they are the people who will take money out of their retirement to make sure that your life is not too difficult
those are parents!
yet, mama is special
I have lost mine
the pain and the grief make talking about mammas so much harder
my father is now both mom and dad
my aunts are now moms to me
I will never forget anthoula's words when I walked in the door from the airport to find out that my mama was no longer with us
"I am here for you now, whatever you want you come to me, to me, for whatever you want"
my God, these memories will never go away, never stop bringing tears in my eyes
never!
but, I am lucky
I haven't lost a mom, I gain one
and another
So, Happy mother's day mammas
I am proud of you and I love you
I hope that when I become a mom I will be half as good as you were
Mama mou, I miss you terribly and I love you so much it aches!
Happy mother's day!

disappointed

2006-05-09T17:19:00.000-04:00

how much disrespect can we show to science and to the people that represent it
it seems that many of us are simply wrapped up in their own little world
so much that we cannot understand each other, respect callings and show genuine interest for knowledge itself
it is even sadder when this type of attitude comes from people who claim they want to be part of the learning community
how sad that is I cannot begin to tell you
obviously the teacher and the observer will put you down many times
but at the end it is your knowledge and your belief that counts
never forget that!

μια κουραση ψυχικη

2006-05-08T14:36:00.000-04:00

η ζωη παιζει παραξενα παιχνιδια
τους δυο τελευταιους μηνες ολο και με χαστουκιζει
κανει ολο και πιο δυσκολη την καθημερινοτητα
αυτος ο χρονος δε μ'αρεσει και τοσο
κουραστηκα
δεν ειναι πως οι δυσκολιες ειναι αξεπεραστες
ειναι που οι αντοχες μου εχουν μειωθει
ειναι που νιωθω πως οι ασπρες μερες εχουν γινει λιγακι γκριζες
κουραστηκα
πού να'σαι καλοκαιρι μου, πού;
κουραστηκα με τις αναποδιες
κουραστηκα να γκρινιαζω
κουραστηκα να σε κουραζω και να σε βλεπω να παλευεις κι εσυ μαζι μου
ενα διαλειμμα μονο ζηταω
μια φορα να κυλησει η ζωη οπως τη θελω
ποση απελπισια
ελα, ελα ηλιε μου να μου ζεστανεις τη ψυχη
ελα...

In solidarity of the international workers' day and of the undocumented workers

2006-05-01T10:12:00.000-04:00

Πρωτομαγια σημερα
σε τουτη τη χωρα αρνουνται να δουν την αξια του εργατη
αρνουνται να εκτιμησουν πως οι καλοανθρεμμες οικογενειες τους εχουν ροζ μαγουλα γιατι καποιοι αλλοι ξημερωνονται στα χωραφια και στα εργοστασια, στα εστιατορια και στα πισω δωματια των καταστηματων που σερβιρουν τον καπιταλισμο ως κυριο πιατο
Κι ομως σημερα, ολοι αυτοι οι παρανομοι μεταναστες οργανωθηκαν και θα απεχουν
Τι συμβολικο
Τι γενναιο
Χαρουμενη Εργατικη Πρωτομαγια!

Today is the international workers' day. MAY Day!
How sad it is for this country not to recognize and celebrate it
Disregarding this day is throwing away a part of U.S. history
How sad that is for this country which values hard work
only this is conditional
the country values hard work only from a chunk of the population disregarding that it wouldn't really function without those undocumented workers it is now trying to kick out
So, I stand in solidarity of all the workers! Even the undocumented!

happy birthday

2006-04-28T07:19:00.000-04:00

how funny it is to celebrate life and death at the same time, side by side, with the same tension, with the same emotional investment...
not even two months ago i lost an important person from my life
more than two and a half years i met an even more important, perhaps the most important person of my life
you know, that person who will be there when you are sick, angry, frustrated, happy, sad, drunk, in a silly mood, in a playful mood
the person who is now, and more likely, forever a loyal best friend
even when the best friends, those you grew up with, those who you walked through fire with, even when those are probably occupied with their own lives
even when they seem to forget you
well, my partner is celebrating his 30th birthday
what a milestone or is it?
it doesn't really matter....what matters is that he is happy
that he enjoys his birthday
that he gets back a little of the happiness and love he has given me
that is not to say that i don't want to kill him at times, or that he doesn't hurt me at times
i am sure, actually, that he can say the same about me!
but, love and communication tramp anger and frustration!
and that is certainly what my mom saw when she loved this guy instantly!

a choice of departure, that's what you made

2006-04-24T14:58:00.000-04:00

departing; you are departing little by little
you are departing to world none of us knows...
you 're going to meet the son you lost and your parents
you are leaving us behind to cry and look for you presence
you are leaving us all by ourselves
maybe that's the way we are supposed to be, self sufficient
you know, independence is priceless and you had it
you needed nothing and noone
you always did what the heart and mind commanded, but you mostly followed your heart
you always chose to be with us, always making choices
a woman who knows what she wants, knows how to love, how to give
how to be a partner, a mother, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a grandmother and whatever else you can imagine
i am not going to tire everyone out listing all of your qualities or with descriptions of how good of a mother you are
i know you would have hated that!
it's almost as if i hear your voice
"come on, come on now isn't there anything else for you to tell us?"
really, what more can say?
those who loved you know you very well
those who pretended to love you will wonder why the mourning
they will simply go on with their lives not realizing they have lost a one in a lifetime opportunity to meet an authentic woman!
the journeys we choose teach us many lessons
my journey taught me about adulthood, womanhood, partnership, independence, and self sufficiency
the journey you depart on now is going to teach us how to be happy again with a different kind of yoru presence
know that we love you
know that we all want you to be proud of us
know that we will always have you with us because the footprint of your love is inerasable!
have a great journey!

written on March 7, 2006 6:40pm Eastern Time, on the plane waiting for take off
this plane was going to take me home to see my mom before she departed
in my home country it was 1:40am March 8, 2006
my mom had departed for her journey at 12:30am March 8, 2006, but I didn't know that....

συννεφια

2006-04-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

κοιταζω τα πραγματα σου
κοιταζω τις αναμνησεις που κρατησες μες στην καρδια σου, αυτες που φυλαγες καλα σκεπασμενες στο συρταρι
κοιταζω ολα αυτα που αγκαλιασα
αυτα που μετεφερα στην αλλη ακρη του ωκεανου
αναρωτιεμαι αν θα χωρεσει στο μυαλο μου ποτε
αναρωτιεμαι αν θα σταματησει το δακρυ να κυλα καθε φορα που σκεφτομαι πως τα ματια μου δε θα δουν τη μορφη σου
αναρωτιεμαι...
εχει συννεφια και κανει κρυο σημερα
ταιριαζει στη διαθεση μου
μου λειπεις
μου λειπεις πολυ σημερα
μου λειπει η αγκαλια σου
η μορφη σου
να'ναι αραγε που 'ναι δευτερα;
ή ισως που εχουμε γιορτη κι η απουσια σου με χαστουκιζει δυνατα;
λυπαμαι καλη μου, λυπαμαι πολυ που δεν εισαι εδω, μου λειπεις!
προσπαθω να βρω τη δικη μου ηλιακτιδα, μια μονο ν'αγγιξει τη ψυχη μου σημερα,
προσπαθω...προσπαθω

Easter rituals

2006-04-20T13:07:00.000-04:00

I have not been back to my country for Easter for the last four years.
This year, particularly because of my mother's sudden departure, I have increased desire to be there.
It is rather impossible, unbearably impossible for me to be there.
I don't really care about the strictly religious aspect of Easter. I care about the spiritual.
I care about reinforcing familial bonds; being with the people I grew up with
I care about the funny rituals of Easter.
Tonight: The crucifixion: go to church by eight, go home and watch the second part of Jesus of Nazareth. Get together at my aunt's and drink.
Tomorrow morning: Epitaphios Decoration, Apokathelosis
Tomorrow evening: Epitaphios: Go to church around six forty five and catch the last of the Lamentations, stand outside the church with the rest of the crowd and wait for Epitaphios to come out. While waiting, converse with acquaintances you haven't seen since last Easter. When Epitaphios comes out, start walking toward Severis Avenue, right where P & P Ice Cream used to be and wait for Epitaphios to come by. While waiting, joke around with family and totally miss the fact that Epitaphios is really Jesus' funeral. Nevertheless, poking jokes at the pretentious attitude of the church-goers is really an integral part of Good Friday. When Epitaphios gets closer, proceed to get in position to admire the beautiful decorative flowers on it. Then, start walking behind it with the rest of the crowd. This year we are going to be minus one... Go home, watch the third part of Jesus of Nazareth. Get together at my aunt's and drink.
Saturday morning: Go to church early so that you make it for the part when the women found out that Christ was resurrected when they went to put spices on His body.
Saturday early evening: While watching the last part of Jesus of Nazareth prepare the soup. Go outside to the field around the corner and admire the fire in which a Judas doll is going to symbolically burn showing that traitors are usually punished, but also forgiven.
Saturday at around 11:45pm: Go to church for the Resurrection Service. Stand at the usual "family corner." Wonder whether all the members of the family will make it to church on time before the Resurrection. Poke jokes at each other and embarrass my mom (not really this year although I am sure that she will be looking down from Heaven giving us the same comments!) and my aunts. Get frustrated with the church's speakers/audio system which every year breaks down at the most important part of the service! Light the candles, try not burn people's clothes and hair.
Midnight: Jesus Resurrects to save the living and the dead from their sins. With him hope is reborn in all of us. The hope that our lives will become better with less hurting and more joy and happiness. With Jesus, our mom resurrects in our minds. She is going to be there by our side reminding us that traditions remind us of who we are. Rituals reinforce bonds and maintain a sense of direction and determination to make it where ever we are headed, learning and remembering on the way that it is not the destination that matters, but the journey. As the poet said: Ithaca gave you the beautiful journey...as wise as you now are you will know what Ithacas mean...
12:30am: Go home and eat the soup we previously cooked. Have a drink or two and go to bed.
Easter Sunday: Wake up late. Prepare for souvla eating, lots of it. Eat all day, drink all day and night.
That concludes Easter Sunday.
But, really there is Easter Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and the whole Easter Week which is really the week after Holy Week. It consists of lots of eating at other extended family members' house.
Easter is not about religion only.
It is about family.
It is about bonding.
Rebirth.
I miss this Easter.
I have created a version of it here. Not the same, but also mine.
This year is going to be difficult for all of them, all of us, going through the annual Easter rituals without having my mom there.
It is difficult for me to think of Easter without her.
I told her a couple of weeks before she left us that I really miss spending Easter with them
She replied, but we can't do differently, you cannot be here so don't be sad.
This time, it is all of us that cannot do any other way, so we should not be sad.
This is what she wanted.
So, lets all go through our traditions, our rituals, because they remind us of who we are and where we come from!
And that is something to be proud of!
Don't be sad, she would have never wanted that!

2006-04-17T17:51:00.000-04:00

I am supposed to let you go today mom...I am not sure I can...
How are we supposed to learn to live without you, I don't know
Our lives have changed so drastically, so abruptly, so painfully
I miss you every day a little more
I wish I had words of wisdom to share with those around us
I don't.
Today I don't have much faith
it's one of those days I feel I have nothing other than the huge emptiness your departure left behind
I have my thoughts and they are not a good companion right now
I have my darkness
my fears
my guilt

χρονια πολλα

2006-04-14T15:01:00.000-04:00

χρονια πολλα...
σημερα γιορταζεις τα γενεθλια σου με τη μαμα
ποσος καιρος παει...καλα να περασετε!
να γιορτασετε, να χορεψετε, να φιληθειτε!
παει καιρος να ειστε παρεα, αλλα τωρα ειστε μαζι...

happy birthday...

Faith

2006-04-13T09:50:00.000-04:00

Faith...
Something that I have lost and found and lost again and found again many many times over the last few weeks...
Faith...
You have to take a huge leap of faith to be with someone
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you decide to move to a different place
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you start a new job
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you lose an important person from your life
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you lose sight of what matters to find it again
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you decide to have children
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you open your heart and soul to someone
Faith...
I wonder what it would be like to have no faith at all times
When I lose my faith in everything, all I can feel is an enormous void
It is as if I am dead, unable to feel anything, unable to realize the point of our existence
I don't like that
I don't want to be in that state, I really don't
At the same time, it is some times necessary for that way I remember why I like life so much
It is as if without sometimes being in a state of no faith, you cannot have faith
I come out of it with a greater desire to continue to have faith in everything
in you, in me, in God, in other people, in life...
I believe that the choices we make lead us where we are supposed to be
I believe that whatever God, or whatever one chooses as a guide for life, takes one to the right place
I believe in you, my love
I believe that you are never going to stop making my life more beautiful
I believe that the spirit of my mom will always be with me as a whispering voice in the back of my head asking me whether what I'm about to do is really the right thing
I believe that I am going to become as happy as I were while she was still physically present
I believe that I am going to help make this world a little better by being a good person
I believe...
I have faith...
I don't think that I can live without it!

wanting a crepe

2006-04-11T17:47:00.000-04:00

I just remembered that you really wanted a crepe during my visit last Christmas. You were talking and talking about it. You really wanted a crepe! And I, trying to be a good daughter and friend, I went to get you one. Boy did I fail miserably! Oh, I did! I got you one with chicken and some cheese. Not much dressing 'cause I knew that your stomach couldn't really take it. I brought it home proud of myself that I did well! I really wanted you to enjoy your crepe. It had been a while since the last time you really, really wanted something to eat, so I really, REALLY wanted to deliver!

When we sat down at the dinner table and you opened the box I wanted to just disappear from the face of the earth! You had the most disgusted look on your face when you asked me "what is this?"
I said with a semi trembling, semi frustrated voice, "it's your crepe, what you asked me to bring you." You proceeded to smell it, cut a small piece to taste it, and said "this is not what I had in mind." Then, you just pushed it away...You never ate things that didn't look good to you. Never! Rest assured that this skill, some people will call it flaw, has been passed along! It lives through me! Gosh! You painted a smile on my face! Thanks!

already it's been a whole month

2006-04-09T18:21:00.000-04:00

He asked me the day before yesterday to tell him a funny story about you; about us; about the times we had together. I couldn't really come up with one right away. I am not sure I can come up with one right now. All I can remember right now is the goodbye we said on January 21st first thing in the morning. All I can remember is the hug we gave each other on that sad morning, that last hug...And right after that I remember you smiling and laughing. I remember you with that particular look on your face telling me that I shouldn't really be saying "mean" things out loud, while at the same time commending me for saying what was crossing your mind as well. You and I were really alike, are really alike. Thinking of mean but funny and well intentioned things to say to the people we love because we really like teasing. You and I really alike, loving our partners but really expecting much from them. You and I are really alike, but my day and age gave me the ability and the opportunity to take more risks and do more of the things we both dreamed about. My God! I had your memorial today. I think you would have liked it!I think you did. I want to ask you a favor; can you let me know if you did? I want to let you be in peace; I want to let you be where you belong; I want to let you go...I love you!

The show must go on

2006-04-04T16:47:00.000-04:00

I started to think that I was never going to get over the pain of this loss. Therapy has the ability to make us face our feelings and fears. I strongly recommend it as it was recommended to me, so that I return to my life without feeling half.
Indeed, the show must go on. Life doesn't stop regardless of how much I want it...Life continues.
It is absolutely amazing to me how this juxtaposition works: on the one side you have this earth-shattering, life-changing event of losing your mom and on the other side you have the earth which continues to spin around itself and the sun; you have the sun which always rises and sets every single day; you have work days to which you have to lend yourself; you have other happy events happening such as the birthday of a dear friend, the birth of a new life.
How amazing is that!
I love life, but I wish I had more time with her. I wish I never left her two months ago, although I did for good reasons and because I was respecting her wishes. I wish I had told her one last time how much I love her. I wish that I could give her one more hug like the one I gave her when she came to visit resulting in a broken set of very expensive glasses. I wish that she was still alive, continuing to be the lighthouse in my life, continuing not to advice me, but to listen and ask questions. I regret leaving her. I regret it.
I am so sorry mom, I am so sorry, I' m sorry, I love you

poso mou leipeis

2006-04-01T17:31:00.000-05:00

Alitheia sou eipa poso mou leipeis...
anarwriemai an h apousia sou tha ginei pote ligotero avastaxti
anarwtiemai giati sti dikia mou ti zwi eprepe na erthei to sinnefo
ti egwismos, ti ivris
mou leipeis poli
i have lost my lighthouse
i have lost the essence of creation
i miss you
i cannot bear myself
i cannot stand myself
i miss you
i want you back
i want you here
not merely in my heart
not merely in my mind
i want you here
i miss you
i love you